Lifelines and Other Life Savers

I have been procrastinating doing this post because, quite honestly, I don’t want to go back to some really not-so-fun days.  And yet the fact I haven’t written it yet has been bothering me, so I figure I need to get it all down.  Plus, if there are things that I learned in this whole ugly journey that need to be remembered, I want to write them somewhere so that I can find them down the road.  That way, hopefully, I won’t have to go through the same thing again to relearn these things! 

Breaking up is hard to do – we all know that!  Some break ups are harder than others.  Mine turned out to be a pretty rocky experience for me.  Looking back I can see lots of things that helped me get through that time, and some things that did not.

I am going to start with the only unhelpful thing I can think of, because really, there is only one.  I did not appreciate when people would say “Don’t worry! There are plenty of fish is the sea!”  I wanted to respond by saying “Well, yes.  But I don’t live anywhere near the sea.  And I am not looking for a fish, but for a good man.   Those are not nearly as easy to come by!” :)  Really, it just made me feel like it shouldn’t have been a big deal, and it was. 

That being said, these are some of the things that I found to be helpful:

Words of encouragement.  You would think this would be a given, but I think that sometimes it seems so basic we just don’t do it.  Some of the best things people said to me were, “Something better is down the road” and “This is so his loss!”  Honestly, it didn’t matter if it was true or not, because they were things that I needed to hear and they helped to give me the hope I needed to get through the day.   And I needed to hear them a lot for quite a while, even if they were the same things over and over again.    

 Permission to hurt.  Someone told me that you have to realize that the end of a relationship (especially a significant one) is like a death, and you need to grieve.  I needed to hear this.  I tend to be hard on myself, and I was not happy that I didn’t bounce back as quickly as I would have liked.  I (unrealistically) didn’t want it to affect me at all. It didn’t help when people would act like “What’s the big deal, it’s happens all the time!” So when other people would point out the fact that it is okay (and healthy!) to hurt and grieve, it made me feel more justified in my feelings. Which helped me to allow myself time to grieve and heal.   Sometimes hearing it from someone else makes it seem more valid!

Texts.  This seems so silly, but I was so grateful for kind texts from people in the beginning.  Before we broke up I was CONSTANTLY getting texts from him.   These would always make me happy, and I loved looking at my phone during lunch or breaks, knowing that it would leave me smiling.  To go from having texts all the time to not having any at all was kind of rough.  So even the most simple text of, “How are you today?  Don’t forget you are amazing!” gave me something to hold on to.  For a couple of weeks my mom texted me every morning.  They usually weren’t anything of great importance, but they helped to get me on my way. Texts were extremely helpful.

Outings.  An invitation to dinner.  Crepe’s with a friend.  Playing with a friends kids. Going to the Hunger Games.  Going for a walk. Simple outings with people I love helped me to get my mind away from things and reminded me that there was good in the world. I was so grateful for those people who were watching out for me and keeping me busy during my down times!

Random acts of thoughtfulness.  Less than half an hour after we broke up Ashley (my roommate) showed up with two bags of Dove chocolate (milk and dark, gotta have the bases covered!) ice cream, and Arby’s.   A few minutes later one of my coworkers (and a dear friend) came over with a plate of oreo cupcakes and a stack of movies.  A bouquet of balloons showed up in my classroom.  These things always made me feel loved and watched out for.

Phone Calls.  I was used to talking to him every morning, it was part of my daily routine – get up, get ready, read scriptures, call him.  Because of this, mornings were ROUGH for me.  My cute sister was kind enough to talk to me every morning for probably a week until I started to adjust to not having a morning phone call.   She let me wake her up before her kids were even up to vent out all my feelings and worries.  Not so good for her sleep cycle I am sure, but for me this was a blessing!

Getting Away.  After we broke up my friend, Suzette, invited me to come and visit her and her family in Seattle.  I hadn’t seen her in years, and had enough travel points to have a free plane ticket, so I jumped at the chance! I went over Spring Break, which was about three weeks after we broke up.  Not only was it super fun and distracting to get to see Suzette and her family, but it was SO nice to get away!  I didn’t have to drive by his house or work on a daily basis.  I was away from people who were wondering what happened, so I didn’t have to explain the situation over and over again. I think everyone should get away after a breakup.  Especially if the person you break up with lives near you, requiring you to see them frequently.  Getting away is just cleansing and rejuvenating.  

Exercising.   Yes, exercising is good for you, obviously.  But more than that, it makes you feel good!  It’s like she says on Legally Blonde, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.”  Not that I was ever in danger of shooting anyone (I promise!) though kick boxing is a GREAT way to get rid of some anger! Exercise does give you those lovely endorphins that make you happier!  What bliss!  Not only that, but it can help you sleep better.  Hallelujah!  If you know someone going through a bad break up, invite them to go running or to an aerobic class with you!  Worked for me!

Make it seem silly. Turns out the guy I was dating drives the most boring vehicle in the state of Utah.  By that, I mean that there are TONS of vehicles on the road that look very similar to his.  I didn’t realize this until after we broke up and suddenly I started to see them EVERYWHERE.  I thought it was the universes way of being funny.  You think I am kidding, but one day while driving to my parents’ house (which is TWO MILES from my house, mind you) I passed 14 vehicles that looked like his.  Yes, 14.   So Ashley and I made a game of it and play it now when we are driving together.  If you see a vehicle that looks like his, you get a point (as long as you see it first).  If you see two in a row, they are worth double.  If you see three in a row, they triple.  We have WAY to much playing this ridiculous game when we are together.  And it is not uncommon to get a text telling the other how many we saw on the way to work. Sounds silly and juvenile, I know, but it worked!  It made it so that it was no longer painful to pass those cars on the road.   It also made me realize that 99% of the time when I see a vehicle that looks like his, it is not him, so I don’t need to stress out and go on a crazy not-so-short cut to avoid passing it.

Laughter.  So the best medicine.  About two weeks after we broke up something really funny (or maybe not so funny, doesn’t take much to make me laugh!) happened and I laughed, and laughed and laughed.  It felt so good.  Seriously.  I loved the funny stories people shared with me.  I loved laughing about the silly things that happened in life.  Find a way to make someone who is struggling laugh.  Love those endorphins!

 Lifelines.  I learned an important lesson through all of this.  Looking over the last few months I have realized that the Lord helps us out at the perfect moment, with whatever it is we need.  I have started to call these “Lifelines”.  For me, they were pretty random. The possibility of a new part time job (I didn’t even end up getting it, but the possibility was what I needed at that time to give me something to look forward to).  A phone call on one of the hardest days from a friend who I hadn’t heard from in years, and who had no idea what was going on.  A letter that said exactly what I needed to hear, which I carried around in my purse for weeks.  An unexpected opportunity to go to Guatemala for the summer.  A song that played on the radio at just the right moment.  I have started to look for these lifelines throughout other times of trial in my life.   They usually are not something huge, and they don’t solve the problems you are facing, but they give you what you need to get through another day.  Look for the lifelines as you go through your struggles.  You will see them, I promise.

Whew.  If you actually read all that I applaud you (and question your sanity!)  It turned out to be even longer than I thought.  I am sure there are other things I have learned, but those are the things that stick out right now.  I have learned a lot about helping people who are going through struggles in life.  It was not a fun way to learn these things, but I am grateful to know them now.   I love the quote from Elder Rasband that says “would you ask someone who was drowning ‘let me know how I can help you’ or would you jump in and save them?” I hope to be able to use these things to be more helpful to others going through their trials, and become more of a “jump in and save them” kind of person.  

And that being said, now I will close that chapter of my life and blog about other things again.  Thanks for sticking with me through it!