I Can Do Hard Things

I have debated for a while about writing this post.  Generally, I do not get this personal.  However, seeing as how this has been a big part of my life, I feel like I need to write it down.  I also have found a great deal of strength in others blogs who have been going through rough times and sharing their experiences.  Therefore, I feel like I should share mine in case there is ever anyone who finds something of worth in my writing.  On top of that, I find writing to be therapeutic.  So here goes.  It is long, read at your own risk.

The last few months of my life have been . . . well . . . difficult, to put it mildly.  You see, at the end of February I was practically engaged.   I know that means different things to different people, so let me explain.  In my case it meant that we knew we were getting married.  The date was set, the temple reserved, families in on the planning, a photographer chosen and a ring picked out.  However, I did not have the ring yet (a detail I am insanely grateful for).  My apologies to anyone who didn’t know about all this and probably should have -  I was pretty preoccupied with the whole falling in love thing.  

Anyone who knows me well knows that dating has not been an easy road for me!  Extremely funny at times, but quite rocky none the less.   The last year had proven to be especially difficult.  I had several really negative experiences and was ready to take a break from dating (I should insert here that I have had positive dating experiences as well! Really!  Just a string of rough situations all pushed together made for high frustration levels).  I remember talking to my sister at one point and having her say “Well, the good news is that 2012 can’t be any worse than 2011 was!”

I think the universe took it as a challenge.

I won’t go into details about how it all happened, but I will tell you this. I have never in my life experiences a relationship that fell together as easily as this one did.  I have never felt so at comfortable and at ease.  I finally realized that dating COULD be fun!  Not only could it be fun, but it could be AMAZING.  I fell in love, and I fell hard. I was happier than I could ever remember being.  Everyone around me loved him.  We spent all our free time together, even when I should have been focusing on work or sleeping.  I was constantly yawning at school, but was so happy and on cloud nine that it didn’t matter! We began to plan a future.  While this terrified me at first, I was also thrilled.  I had waited a while for this to come along, and it was better than I had ever expected!  Everything was coming together so well.  I felt extremely blessed. Life was good.

And then, in an instant, it changed.  I was shocked as everything came crashing down around me. 

Everything fell apart the same weekend I was released as Relief Society President, a calling that had demanded 2-3 nights of each week, most of each Sunday, and several additional hours wherever I could squeeze them in.  Suddenly he was gone, my calling was gone, and school was so under control that I found myself searching for anything to keep myself busy.

I found myself very broken and lost. 

I don’t remember much about the first week after it happened.  I would not wish that time on anyone.  I know I was weird and very out of it.  I am sorry if you ran into me and couldn’t figure out what was up.  I couldn’t sleep, but wished I could.  It seemed unfair that the time in my life when I just wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep for days, and I couldn’t sleep at all! I couldn’t eat, and lost 10 pounds.  I couldn’t focus on anything long enough to read a book or watch TV.  I was not a good teacher, and felt terrible for my poor students who had to put up with me. I have never been so lonely in my life.  However, as odd as it seems, as lonely as I was I was also very aware that I was not alone.

Family and friends swarmed around me.  They called often.  Texts of comfort and encouragement came frequently.  I was invited over for dinner, taken out for dessert, and distracted in numerous ways.  Several people, knowing that nights were difficult and I still wasn’t able to sleep (guess my body had adjusted to short nights from dating) told me to call anytime, day or night.  Which I did.  And those are just some the things that the earthly angels around me did.

In the beginning my mom told me not to worry about the future, and to just take life a day at a time.  If that was too hard to focus on an hour.  And if that was too difficult, to focus on ten minutes.  That advice saved me, and it was how I lived for a while.

I acquired this piece of jewelry from therhouse etsy shop, and wore it every day for weeks.  “I can do hard things” became my motto.

There is a song by Jack’s Mannequin called Swim.  One of the lines says “I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun. Choking on salt water, I’m not giving in.  I swim.”

Two weeks after everything fell apart I looked in the mirror and saw a spark of me again.  I still looked tired and worn out, but my eyes looked like me again.  I don’t know quite how to explain it, but it gave me hope.  I had a good day that day.  I realized that everyone had been telling the truth – things would get better eventually.  The sun would shine again.   Brighter days were coming. The next night I slept through the night for the first time since it had all happened.  It helped.  A lot.

I’d like to say that’s where I healed, but I can’t.  It was a huge step, though I have found that the whole process has been a two steps forward/one step back kind of thing.  I realized that hearts do heal, but they take time.  And that is okay.  It’s the way it should be (though let's be honest, it is truly excruciating!)  I have heard it said that those who really grieve are those who really love.  I think it is true.   I am also hoping that self confidence and trust  will heal eventually as well. 

So how am I doing now?  I can honestly tell you that I am doing well.  Day by day, life got easier.  Somewhere along the line the good times began to outweigh the bad.  My confidence is beginning  to return. I find joy in things again.  Things aren’t perfect.  I have my ups and downs. This whole situation brought up new issues that I am working with, but things are getting better.  I have grown more in the past two months than I thought possible.  I have discovered so many things about life, and also about myself.  I know more about who I am and why I am that way. I am becoming a stronger person than I was before.

I think the hardest part for me has been letting go of the future I had been planning and looking forward to.  Yes, I was in love.  And yes, that part hurt like crazy.  However, for me the hardest part is going back into a life where the future is one of uncertainty and waiting.  Going back to what it was when I was so excited to be moving on to a new phase. Letting go of a very happy part of my life.

But that is exactly what I am doing.  Letting go, and hoping for greater things in the future.  Trusting that if I keep doing my best, it will all work out in the end.  Being the best person that I can be, and finding joy in every moment possible.


Some things I have learned from this whole experience:

-I was never really a big fan of Adele’s music.  At least not until all this happened.  Turns out that she speaks to a broken heart!  In fact, A LOT of music seems better now.  I guess I gained a new level of understanding, and it changed some things.

-Laughter truly is the best medicine.  It is amazing how simply laughing can make you feel better.  Sometimes you don’t even have to be the one laughing, others laughter works wonders as well.  Especially when the laughter comes from children.  How can you not smile when a child laughs like crazy?

-Whenever hard things happen in life, I am reminded how grateful I am for the gospel.  I honestly don’t know how people survive without it.  The knowledge of a Heavenly Father who loves me, is aware of my circumstances, and has a plan for my life keeps me going.  I have found myself praying more than I ever have in my life.  And the great thing is, prayer works. 

-Another line from the song Swim says “There’s no shame in drifting”.  I have never been a “drifter”, but I learned that sometimes it’s okay to drift, as long as you are keeping your head above water. Some days it’s all you can do just to drift, make it to the next day and hope it will be better.  

-Surround yourself with good people.  It is always a huge blessing to be surrounded by amazing people, and I am always grateful for the family and friends that I have been blessed with.  However I have a new and deeper appreciation than I ever had before.  I can honestly say that I don’t know how I would have made it through this whole thing without the people around me.  Thank you all.